I just got back from D.C. for the first time, and I didn't like it much. I felt very distant from my family. Most of them I haven't seen in seven or more years, and others, I've never even met before. Staying out there was really weird. I couldn't tell you what was on my mind. I sort of went on autopilot for the weekend. I'm starting to worry because I keep going back to that pattern of thinking. Where nothing goes across my mind at all. I miss it for the first time in my life. I know something is wrong because I'm writing and it's not fiction...
My new camera got here last Wednesday and I'm in love. I feel really spoiled, but at the same time I'm too happy to care. Currently looking for a job so I can earn some money and buy the things I am looking to buy in the near future. I'm specially gifted according to my IQ. I got a score of 136. I guess that's good? I'm not sure.
It was hours ago that I realized I was going to write. I noticed myself getting into research and a heated conversation with a close friend. It was mainly on religion, laws, and how limited our options are. The age of consent in Texas is 17. That sounds fair I guess. What didn't seem fair is that, in Texas, it is illegal for same-sex marriages. There is no age of consent for homosexuals. You receive a class c misdemeanor for having gay sex. It's not jail time or anything, but it is a $500 fine. I find this very messed up for I am pro choice for everything. I figure if a guy wants to be with another man, let them be. If a women wants an abortion, let her live with that. It's their own choice. I mean if you use a condom while having sex, it's about the same as an abortion, just thousands of dollars cheaper. On the religion side of things, people who are highly Christian can live their lives that way, but if they are against homosexuality, because 'it's in the Bible,' they should follow the whole Bible. According to the Bible, it's an abomination to trim your beard, look at your horoscope, get a tarot reading, even wearing blended clothing. If you think homosexuality is an abomination, then so is wearing your favorite band shirt or even reading your horoscope. We are force fed everything.
The news only tells us what they want us to hear. Or as Reel Big Fish sang it, "The radio plays what they want us to hear." They dish us things we don't need to know. When is the last time you heard on your local news station about the 'War on Terror?' They are so sly. They distract us with other things. You ask how the war is and find out about the damn forecast... for next month...
Sorry about bitching so much, it's just the only thing I can do right now.
I have been thinking about the future more and more lately. This weekend really got me into thinking about it harder. My Uncle retired from the Navy. When he joined the service, he wasn't much older than I am now. My cousin joined the Marines and is going to Iraq soon. He's not much older than me now. I mean, what if I don't find my calling? There are all these 'what if?' questions that I might not have answers to. I thought about maybe joining the forces soon. Not that I want to do anything for the United States or anything, but I'd much rather have something to accomplish much rather than amount to nothing.
I have been thinking mostly about the closer future. Summer. I want out. I need out. I ask for a month but I wish for forever. I'd much rather be spending my life up in the eastern coast of the United States. It's not running away from anything, for I have nothing to run away from. I just want to move. I see myself accomplishing much more up there, anyways.
I have started looking at things much differently lately. I live my life like tomorrow, I could never wake up. I could breath my last breath at any minute of any hour. I figure we are all meant to die sooner or later, and maybe it will happen soon, maybe it will happen later. I just wish to live my life the way I want it.
I think about death a lot. I wonder if it's going to hurt. I wonder what I'm going to do afterwards. I wonder if I'm scared of it because sometimes I cringe thinking about it. I wonder if I'm going to go out in a special way, or if it's going to be plain and insignificant. I don't want to be buried in this human wasteland. That's all the world is. A big human wasteland. We bury the dead here to decompose six-feet under.
Arlington Cemetery. [Photobucket editing applied]
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