I'm the Load My Mother Should Have Swallowed.

So I guess you've figured out something was wrong.
Maybe I am easy to read and a little predictable. Oh well.
Some people never change. Most change for the worst of course.
They told me to go to the doctor, but for years I refused.
The moment I realized I had feelings for you, I couldn't help but let them run free like a convict fleeing prison.
The moment I realized I was wasting my time, I sent hundreds of guards after the convict.
Empty handed they returned.
Heartless I became.

My feelings are bankrupt and you're rich with my depression.
Now I'm less than just predictable; I'm just a suicide bomber standing alone in the vast desert.

The time wasted on you will never be gained back.
Not enough apologies and sympathetic hugs could deactivate the convict's bomb that would leave the bits and pieces for the guards to find.

"The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage."
Mr. Chuck Fucking Palahniuk.


Most teenagers think about sex for the majority of the day. I think of the thousands of ways I could kill myself. From the most subtle to the bloodiest. The most painful and slowest of the possible suicides are my favorite of course.
I am not afraid of death.
Everyone assumes something is wrong and they couldn't be any more correct. Yet, I always shrug it off and say nothing. For some reason, they believe me.
I am not afraid of my problems.
Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. These two things have been drilled into my head since I was a little boy. Everyone just has less flaws than I do. Everyone is better than me. We're joined by our flaws and imperfections.
I am not afraid of being alone.
I prefer the solitude. The silence does just fine keeping me company. I feel comfortable telling my deepest secrets to the other voices. I think their stuck in my mind, but trying to escape...
I am not afraid of the complicated.
It gives me something to focus on. My suicidal driven thoughts get jealous, I'm sure. The quietest of the voices just urges me to off myself.
I am afraid of being afraid..