People say that you make mistakes so you can reflect on them. People don't realize they make mistakes and actually have a tendency to forget about the mistakes they made. Or the stupid things they said. Or the terrible grammar they used to have.
You have to physically search your mind to find out why you dressed like you did. Or talked the way you did. Or laugh the way you still do. Or hanged out with the people you really hated. Why the fuck were my pants so baggy? My non existent ass hanging out for the world to see, if they're looking.
Don't even get me started on what I used to listen to. Why did I think that was cool?
All I really have to say is that I'm glad I finally grew up. Yes, I still have the occasional moment of immaturity or idiocy, but it's not like the past 19 years.
That's another thing that's really starting to creep me out. Not much longer and my days as a -teen will be over. I will have worked for Walmart for a year. I will have not been in school for longer. I guess I thought I was joking when I joked about procrastinating later. I guess that's all I get for not knowing entirely what I want to do with my life. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping. If I'm not sleeping I'm designing tattoos for my future self, or writing, or listening to the only thing that truly inspires me anymore.
I guess if I'm not doing those things, I'm stuck in a narcissistic nostalgic trance of hate for my previous self. But like I said, at least I'm not who I was.
The future's always the same distance away. The past is always behind us. This will never change, yet we can't wrap our heads around living in the now. That's what I'm going to do from now on..but who the fuck have I been kidding. I've been living impulsively since I was sixteen. I guess I need to live more impulsively with a little less spontaneity and some more direction.
Conform.
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